![Secret Thirteen Interview Bvdub]()
From the USA to China: the experience of Bvdub
Bvdub music is like rich and deep color layers on the canvas in abstractionist landscape. Abstract, yet beautiful. Minimal, yet evoking the maximum of emotions. Sometimes it feels very close, however at the same time it is very remote as if existing in some parallel universe, not connected to our world. It does not let itself to be squeezed into concepts, genres, definitions and exists beyond the boundaries of their limitations. This allows it to breathe, unfold, expand, spread its palette of gorgeous ambient soundscapes.
This elaborate interview can hardly be classified as such. It is rather a story of one man, running from the USA to China in order to escape its past and ….. music (however, he did not succeed). But, first of all, it is a very honest account on one’s experience and definitely one of the most sincere pieces we have read. Sometimes it even feels like a conversation with long time no seen friend. We hope this interview will makes your waiting for Bvdub exclusive mix for our journal even more impatient.
Your relocation to China seems to be quite an interesting move. What made you choose that country? What are the reasons for moving? How did it change your sound/lifestyle?
I chose China because I was really obsessed with Chinese history and culture at the time (most of which vanishes within two days of actually living here, like it would with any country you’ve built up way too much in your mind, I suppose), and was learning Chinese as well, so between that, and my self-induced exile from the decaying scene at that time in San Francisco, it made sense to basically start over. And where better to do so than a country 6,000 miles away that you have never even set foot in? So as with most my decisions at that time in my life, I hurdled myself into it without properly thinking it through, and within a couple months had sold everything I owned and woke up in China.
I originally moved here in an attempt to escape music – well not really music, but everything that surrounded it – after years of heartbreak at the hands of what a once beautiful scene had become. The idyllic goal was to basically start life again, a simple life devoid of all the baggage that my life in electronic music had left me with, and to try to forget the pain. Not surprisingly, it did not work, as 1) that heartbreak (and joy) of those times will never leave me, and 2) placing myself in a completely different environment only made music, and all the memories I wanted to escape, even more important. It should have come as no surprise that trying to leave my past life behind made it more important than ever. And made me realize that with all the good and bad, it would always be who I am.
That first move here was nearly 12 years ago now. Wow, I feel old. My time and life here has always affected my sound, I guess, as I actually started making my own music after I moved here, not before. So it’s always been a part of it. My music is just about my life, and what life means to me, and no matter my relationship with China, which is always different depending on the day you ask, I have spent a massive part of my life here, and it is going to come through in my music in some way. Even when my music talks about the past, and my very different life in a very different land, while I live here in the present and am remembering those days while standing in a place that could not have any less idea who I really am, or the life I have lived, is a very surreal phenomenon, but in a good way I think. And in recent years, much of my music also talks about the present, and has begun in many cases to take on a more direct narrative of much more recent events, and since my life is here now, those events are as well. No matter the reason, my music surely would not be the same otherwise.
As far as my lifestyle, I don’t think anything can change that. I’m the same manic-depressive, OCD-wrought misanthrope I have always been. No matter where I live I barely ever leave the house, so my lifestyle here is pretty much exactly the same just with a lot more scantily-clad girls around, when I do happen to venture out, which is ok in my book.
To what genre would you attribute the music you make? In general, what do you think about putting music into genres? Is it useful?
Actually it’s the diametric opposite of useful. I don’t know if they have ever been ‘useful’ per se, but I think genres at least made sense at one point, because it was all so new, and they weren’t a source of snobbery or derision, but were more of a way to describe the kind of place that particular music was coming from in general, but to be fair, back in the day there were pretty much only a few genres, and they were all pretty cut-and-dry. Nowadays, however, not only are they blurred and unclear (which to me is a good thing), but it seems the only purpose they seem to serve are to fuel arrogance and ignorance amongst people who claim to champion them, which really just equates to them hating on everything else. But really, this is unfortunately so much of where we find ourselves nowadays in electronic music. People only know how to attack what they hate, rather than just embrace what they love.
In the past, genres were just a general way of explaining what kind of music you were talking about, but they were not so exclusionary. A single genre could encompass many things, and you did not see people getting all worked up about it. In the past, they were a kind of celebration, a sense of pride of the kind of music you were a part of, and it was often something really embraced by artists themselves, as it was a proud part of their identity. But nowadays, personally I do not know any artists who give a shit about genres anymore. And for good reason.
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Now, genres seem to serve more as a way to suffocate artists and their music, and they have just become a tool of everyone but artists, for everyone else to use for whatever completely non-musical end they seek to reach. Even more importantly, people seem to spend more time nitpicking over what genre something should be shoved into than actually listening to what the song has to say. Worry about actually listening to it first. who cares what genre it is, as long as you feel it? I think one of the most absurdly stupid things about all this genre madness of late is that it’s all decided by people who did not even make the music, who somehow deem themselves a greater expert on what the music is supposed to be classified as than the person who made it. I have had people on Discogs actually argue with me when I asked that a genre tag be changed – yes, you read right – argue with me about MY own music, and how apparently I don’t know how to classify it as well as they do. I don’t even know how to talk about that, it’s so beyond the pale of absurdity.
Back in the day, genres were not exclusionary, as a party had tons of different genres in a night, and people could enjoy all of them. Nowadays, they have been twisted into a way to exclude others from what you think is your secret club, or to lock artists in arbitrarily defined boxes, so people can either easily digest (or market) what they make. I just see no point. I think music is just way beyond that at this point, and the people who keep shoving genres down people’s throats are usually only doing so for their own benefit, whatever that may be.
Not to be a dick (which, like when anyone says that, means I’m going to be), but it seems that nowadays, genres are really the lifeboat of the ignorant. The massive majority of those I encounter in recent years who actually give a shit about genres are generally the absolutely least qualified to be talking about anything having to do with anything, much less deciding what something should be called. I think those who have either been around long enough to really know what’s important, or actually are in this whole thing (no matter their role, from artist to listener and anything in-between) for the right reasons are just so past caring about what something’s “called” that it’s not even funny. Personally, absolutely none of my personal friends in music, from other artists, to fans, or anyone else, ever mention genres. We just talk about music, and what moves us. Genres never come into the conversation. Either it connects with you or it does not. Who cares what arbitrary classification some random person you do not even know says it has to be stuck in? Especially when most of the people who spend all day trying to lock this song or that into some “genre” are so painfully ignorant of what that genre even means that it boggles the mind?
I understand that stores need to have some kind of genre classification, otherwise how would you even find music anywhere close to what you want to hear? It would take a week to find anything. I get it. But genres should just be used as a very broad, general guideline just to help someone have some idea what you are talking about, should the need arise – all this insanity with a hundred sub-genres, and spending all day figuring out which track gets stuck into which one is just, well, insanity. Enough already.
If anyone ever asks me what kind of music I make, I simply say ‘electronic music.’ But if I had to go further into a pre-defined genre(s), I guess I would say ambient and ambient techno, which to me really just means with or without beats. I think the latter encompasses a lot of things. I make anything from beatless ambient to 180bpm breaks, and everything in-between, but ambient is always the base.
Really though, at the end of the day, I do not think I fall into any genre. I just sound like me. I think you can hear one of my tracks from a thousand miles away and no matter what form it takes, the second you hear it, you know it’s me. So why should it be in a genre? It’s just me.
Are you classically trained? What kind of priority it is in electronic music?
Yes I’m classically trained, very much so, actually. I began playing violin at around 6, and piano around 7, and played each for close to 10 years. In the later years of my violin career, as it were, I also played in several orchestras, and was the youngest member of the city’s symphony, for which I played 2nd chair. By that time I had also composed a decent amount of my own music, both for solo violin, and also for trios with violin, viola, and cello.
By the time I reached high school, however, I decided that classical music did not fit in with my idiotic definition of what was ‘cool,’ and I ditched it all. Nowadays I cannot even read a note of music anymore, and play solely by ear, but the influence from those years still shines extremely heavily, which is ironic, considering I found it so unimportant at one point.
I do not think you need to be classically trained to make electronic music (obviously, people who are not do so every day), but it sure helps. Having classical training, especially in playing in symphonies, or other such combined efforts, really helps you to understand how music is constructed from the ground up, and the principles of so much of what has also carried over into all music, especially electronic, whether most people know it or not. Put it this way – I do not think classical training is necessary, but you can definitely tell the difference if someone’s had it… or has not.
Do you follow current trends in electronic music? How much time do you spend on searching for music? What music do you listen at home?
These days I am pretty much the least up-to-date person in the world when it comes to trends, or anything that I should probably know about electronic music. Part of that is intentional, as I keep myself in a self-imposed vacuum to make sure my heart and mind are free. If I keep up on what’s new and am always listening to new things, like it or not, some of that is going to slip into my subconscious, and influence what I’m doing. And I always want anything I make to be influenced purely by life itself – not someone else’s music.
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The other reason is more pragmatic, in that I spend anywhere from 8-12 hours a day, nearly every day, working on music. It’s basically all I do with my life when I’m not torturing my poor students. So at the end of that, my ears are exhausted, and I usually opt for complete silence, TV, or video games.
That does not mean I don’t ever listen to new music, but it is admittedly nearly always either music that friends have made, or that friends have recommended. I do not search it out myself. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, like I really should be way more up on what’s happening, and I am surely missing out on tons of amazing music, but that’s just the way it goes I guess.
I am going to come off like a total self-absorbed prick when I say this, but honestly, I mostly just listen to my own music. And why not? It’s more a part of me than anything else, and resonates more with me than anything else, so it’s what I gravitate toward more than anything else. I also think it’s quite interesting to reverse the role in that way. To turn something I once created into something that I’m now experiencing from the other side and really it just makes me love it even more, as it’s then an even deeper part of my life. I have seen people attacking me before for charting my own music, and surely those people will also find me disgusting for saying I listen to my own music as well. But they can suck it. If you don’t love what you make more than anything else, I think you should sit down and ask yourself why you made it in the first place.
That being said, there are a lot of other artists I listen to quite regularly, but as I said, admittedly most of them are friends I know personally. It just makes the experience that much more meaningful. Other than that, if I am going to listen to something, I would say 90% of the time, it’s drum and bass. I have been a ridiculously huge drum & bass head since the old jungle days, and have never stopped. In fact, I have some on right now, haha.
How do you think album artwork affects the experience of the listener? Is there something lost when listener has nothing physical to look at and hold?
I think it can definitely affect the experience – at least it does for me. Pretty much every album or piece of music I have ever owned, I always associate it in my head with the image that accompanies it, and I think it definitely influences my interpretation of it. But while it definitely affects someone in the sense that it creates a strong association with that image, I do not think it will necessarily guide people where you want it to guide them – after all, they do not even really know why it is you chose that image in the first place. They can hypothesize and imagine why, but in a huge way I think that is the best part – everyone’s experience is different, and so is what they take away from it. That’s the beauty of it.
Years ago I was on a tour of an ancient Chinese town, and the tour guide was droning on about this and that building’s history, but I was not listening to a word of it. The guy next to me noticed that my head was obviously somewhere else, and asked me:
‘Don’t you want to hear the explanation of this place?’
To which I replied:
‘No. I’d rather make my own… and see it the way I want it to be.’
I think it’s the same with album art – for me, yeah it’s important. But that does not mean it is for everyone, and I think plenty of people could not have it or never see it, and still get both the experience I hope they will get, or maybe one that is even more profound. I think there is really a disturbing trend lately for people to set these kinds of ‘standards’ that just because they like things a certain way, it’s the only ‘real’ way, i.e. vinyl purists, digital haters, physical-only, etc. I will admit that I personally am old-fashioned in that I very much love to hold a release in my hands, and I think that tactile and intimate element is really important to me – it really kind of makes that CD, record, etc, a real friend I can hold when I need to – just like you need in ‘real’ life. But that does not mean it has to be important to everyone. After all, at the end of the day, music is pretty much the most abstract thing on the planet – so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people keeping it at its ultimate conclusion of abstractness, as nothing but sound. Whatever works for you. As long as music truly means something to you, then I’m happy – whether it’s mine, or someone else’s.
What part of your music is spontaneous and what part is carefully planned? How does it related to your productivity? What kind of impulse makes you to create? What is the best time to make music?
The only part of anything I make that is carefully planned is the emotion, idea, or memory I want to express. In fact, the title of every track is written before I even sit down to make note one. I already know exactly what I want to say – but how I end up saying it is really up to my heart, and the way it ends up telling the story. So, my music manifests itself in many different ways, and I never tell it what to do.
I think this is a major reason, why I can be so productive, and always work on music, pretty much all day every day. I never get tired of it, and actually love it more with every passing day. It’s simply all I ever want to do. And I think a major component in that is the fact that I let it go where it may, so every time I sit down to make something, it’s a new adventure for me. Though I know exactly what I want to say when I sit down to say it, I have no idea how it will be said and as a result, along the way, more memories come flooding back, old and new paths reveal themselves, and I end up saying infinitely more than even I originally planned. So each time, it’s an entirely new and amazing experience. I think, if I tried to sit down and make a this or that kind of track, or force an album into some pre-determined mold of what I want it to sound like, it would basically murder my creativity in no time. I mean, how many times can you sit down to make this or that kind of track without it just becoming a pointless chore? But each time I sit down to try to say something from my heart, or put some kind of form to an emotion or memory, I am even more excited to do so than the last time. What can I say? There’s just nothing better.
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It’s hard to say what kind of impulse drives me to create. Sometimes it’s something that I have been dealing with, remembering (obsessing about, more realistically), or trying to face down in my life. But just as often it’s extremely quick – something someone says, something I see, or when I simply space out for a second (which is probably more often than is healthy), a memory or emotion will trigger, and at the risk of sounding trite, it surges up from somewhere deep within, and becomes overwhelming. And at that moment, the only thing in the world that matters is translating it somehow into music – as it’s the only way I know how to say it, and the only way I know how to deal with it, or attempt to release it. It can be a hard thing to accept for those around me, because it always takes priority, and nothing can get in the way once it starts, I don’t care whose feelings I hurt in the process. All that matters is locking myself away from the world and making what I need to make. There have been times I have simply got up without saying a word and walked out of dinners, nights out with friends, my girlfriend etc, because the time had come. That’s it. I don’t feel like explaining myself, and to put it a bit horribly, I don’t care. Everything else in the world just seems pointless.
As far s the best time to create music, I’m gonna surely sound lame when I say there is no bad time. When’s the best time to eat? When you’re hungry ;)
How did you start to release in Darla Records? What changed after you started releasing in this legendary label?
Actually I had been a huge supporter of Darla for a long time, since the mid-late 90’s, as they were a local San Francisco label, and, quite frankly, I don’t think anyone in San Francisco (and later around the world) did not know who Darla was and they were one of the only labels supporting so many kinds of music, not just electronic. They were (and still are) really diverse, which is something very few independent labels – if any – can pull off.
I had actually thought of trying to send them something for quite some time, but, being my usual pessimistic self, assumed they would just think ‘Who the fuck is this idiot?’ and toss it in the trash. One day, a friend of mine, who it turned out was a mutual friend of theirs, put us in touch, and I was surprised to know that they had been fans of mine for a while, and that both of us had been thinking we should get in touch, but had not. Great minds think alike, haha.
Without going on too much of a lovey-dovey rant, the main thing that changed when I started to release on Darla was a massive source of inspiration that came from a label that size being as amazingly supportive as they are. When I first talked to James (head of Darla) on the phone before we ever did anything together, he said Darla is a family – I have never forgotten those words, and he was not kidding. He and Chandra have always just shown amazing faith and support in me, and just as importantly, trust in me that I know how my music should sound, and that I am saying what I need to say. Their kindness and all-encompassing support has really meant the world to me, and really buoyed me up through times when I could not have needed it more. I am really grateful for everything they have done for me.
As far as what changed in a non-philosophic way is the obvious factor, in that a lot more people started to know about my music from a broader spectrum, whereas previously it had pretty much been known only by more hardcore ambient or deep techno fans, especially “Serenity“, which along with “White Clouds Drift On and On” became probably my best-known work. And that could not have been more appropriate, because I think they are really the only people that would have believed in that album as much as they did, and instilled me with the complete sense of freedom it took to make it.
What, in your opinion, is the most negative phenomenon or event in the music industry and why?
You know, I would say the most negative phenomenon is negativity itself. It is everywhere, and seems to fuel nearly everything, even so many people’s so-called “love”, which they can only seem to express through hatred of everything else.
So I am not really going to talk about what I think is negative or wrong. What’s the point? I think we should all focus on what’s positive, and right – because at the end of the day, there are still a lot of great and beautiful people out there doing amazing things for all the right reasons – and I’d rather spend my time embracing and appreciating that, than talking shit about things or people I don’t like.
How does your music resonate with the world that surrounds you? Or is it completely separate world of sounds? What does more influence you – your own inner world or the real physical world? How remote your music is from reality?
For the most part it’s a completely separate world of sounds, in that I – at least consciously – don’t really take much influence from the world around me, at least in a sound way. I do actually record quite a lot of field recordings, which I often incorporate, but I think that’s more of a contextual layer to a song, to tie it to a more specific time and place, but does not really make the song ‘about’ it. Plus, I live in such a musical vacuum here in China – not only my aforementioned self-imposed one, but really one that is the result of there being pretty much no musical culture (not just electronic, but really of any kind), at least in the small city I live in. It used to be a great source of depression for me, but now I think it’s actually a great positive. It leaves my heart and mind free to do what they want, unencumbered.
I guess we can get philosophical and say anything that is your inner world is also going to contain the physical world around you, because the majority of your inner world is formed as a reaction to the world outside it, so in that sense, they are both there. I think in the past, though much of my music dealt with real-life experiences, the end result of where it took it from there was usually really far away. But in recent years, much of my music has come to reflect more and more, I guess I would say ‘real-life’ issues, and live slightly more in the now, which I think is also evidenced by the art for my albums, which has also become much more anchored in ‘real’ life, and reflects a lot of what lies behind them. In recent years, I have learned to control my music to a greater extent, to rein it in to be able to talk about much more specific memories, emotions, or events, and I think it’s become more direct as a result. So I guess in that sense, it has grown much closer to reality in recent years, I think.
I mean, every track I have ever made deals with a specific experience, memory, or emotion from my own life – so in that sense, it’s as close to reality as it gets. But in years past, I think it manifested itself in more utopian, fantasy-driven visions, whereas in recent years it’s started to take on a little more real-world context, for lack of a better term.
So basically what I’m saying I guess, in a super long-winded way, is that it’s always been directly tied to reality, but kind of expressed itself in more abstract ways before. Haha in the end, we’re trying to describe something as abstract as music, so I do not think we are going to be wholly successful, but I think you get the idea.
What are the most peaceful moments for you? How do you try to maintain/find your inner peace? Does the music helps? Does the music making helps you to feel calm and peaceful?
I’m a weird mix of someone with an immense amount of inner turmoil (and rage), and at the same time someone with a great amount of inner peace. To a large extent, this comes from some wars I had to win in the past – wars with myself, which, though they leave you the most battle-scarred, also leave you the most battle-hardened. Through those experiences, which I will not bore you with, I learned to (well, I had to) take on myself, as it attempted to turn on me – and there is no worse enemy to try to overcome than yourself, especially when it is truly seeking your destruction. While those times were torturous, I learned who I truly am – my strengths and weaknesses, and the realities of who I am and how I live my life. As a result, I learned to be much more at peace with myself, and find that peace even in turmoil.
Making music is a double-edged sword – it can help me to escape in some sense, as I’m lost in that world, but it also greatly exacerbates a lot of emotions that can be hard to face – the very ones I’m often attempting to let go of through the music itself. So it often ends up making me better and worse all at the same time. There are times, though, of such amazing elatedness that I can reach while making music, it’s really unbelievable. The whole world just falls away, and I can feel such ecstasy when I’m truly one with what’s happening, it’s a feeling that’s unlike anything else in the world.
I think it depends. Sometimes I make something to face down demons or very difficult issues or times in my life, but sometimes I also make something to celebrate a time or idea of pure beauty – and often, it’s a mix of both. So I guess it depends on the reasons I have for sitting down to make something, but either way when I’m working on music I’m truly at one with myself, which I guess is what inner peace is all about.
It’s hard to have many peaceful moments in China. It’s something I used to really have a huge problem with, but over the years, you learn to either tune things out, or just become used to living within the sphere of how things are, and just roll with it, the latter of which I’ve gotten exponentially better at in recent years, and a skill that should you lack, you’ll never be able to truly ‘live’ here. Either you go with the flow, or the flow will swallow you whole.
I find an unbelievable and true happiness from my job as a teacher. It’s no exaggeration that every day in class is real and true happiness for me (even if it’s the opposite for my poor students) – and so I’m very fortunate in that sense. But that’s happiness, and a different kind… and my only true calm and peace comes from music. It’s everything I am, and without it I would have no reason to live.
What architectural objects inspire you most in your art and in life?
I’m actually a huge architecture buff, but in a really pedestrian way, in that I don’t know anything about the technical aspects, but I spend nearly all of my time always looking at buildings, even the most minute details. The whole concept of buildings has always fascinated me on a myriad of levels, and I guess you could even say I’m quite obsessed with them. China is a pretty cool place to live if that’s the case, as you can find just about every kind of architecture here, from thousands of years ago to yesterday (even right in the city I live, which is 2500 years old, and actually before the founding of what is now China, was its own country… so 2500 years of architecture, right up to yesterday, all in one place, is pretty amazing).
Though I am interested in really every kind of architecture, it’s actually more plain, kind of run-down buildings that inspire me the most. Not for some dystopian reason, but because to me they represent true life with its wear and tear, things that at one time were so new and shining, but are now weathered, worn, and mostly forgotten or taken for granted. The people once tied to their creation either long-gone or long forgotten, but also the space within which most people spend their time that comprises this life. It’s within the most unassuming or worn buildings that the most happens. That full representation of all life, in all its stages, never ceases to inspire me. At the end of the day, we’re all the same, trying to get by, find some happiness, and attach some meaning to this life we’re forced into against our will. For me, that meaning is music. But looking at those buildings always makes me wonder what it is for the people within – what it is that makes them feel it all has meaning – if at all. It never ceases to inspire.
Do you play video games? Have you ever played them and what is your favourite genre? To what game would you like to make a soundtrack?
I’m pretty much one of the biggest video game addicts on the planet and any waking moment not spent making music is spent playing video games (yeah, I’m every woman’s dream, I know). In fact, I played semi-professionally for years, though back then it was purely for shooters, which at one point I could not take any more of because of the rampant cheating. So I went back to just playing games alone. After all, the whole point is to escape the real world, not make your supposed escape more ‘real’ and stressful than the world you are escaping.
I like a lot of genres, usually with action and survival horror topping the list, but I play a lot of different kinds, except sports games – I need a story, the deeper the better. Some of my tops of all time would be Shadow of the Colossus, the Mass Effect trilogy, the Metal Gear Solid series (especially 4), Deus Ex (Human Revolution), Dead Space, the older Resident Evils, Mirror’s Edge, and really tons more that I’ll save you droning on and on about.
But if I had to pick one top game of all time (not that you asked), it would likely be Shadow of the Colossus. That is, in my opinion, probably the best game ever made, and just deep beyond description – in fact I would not know how to describe that game if my life depended on it. I don’t think I have ever been in greater awe of a game, or had that awe more completely consume me for what seemed like eternity, long after the journey was over. It just defies every definition – or any “genre,” as it were. It is Shadow of the Colossus. And there’s nothing else in the world like it. The unbelievably intense and just monolithic emotions that game produced, in an environment that was basically complete silence, is and always will be mind-blowing.
But I gotta say, the Mass Effect trilogy is up there. Man, what an experience, and a staggering accomplishment in gaming and what it can truly do. The emotional and philosophical depth of that game on a myriad of levels, and its ability to force you to agonize through the existential dilemmas it presents, is really unparalleled. And let me go on a tangent (sorry) and say that I was one of the few, apparently, who thought the original choice of endings were the most brilliant and perfect that ever could have been. Anyone who thought otherwise had absolutely no business even playing the game, much less complaining about it. But I digress…
If I had the chance to soundtrack a game, it would likely be something in the realm of Shadow of the Colossus (though of course I would never try to do it for that actual game, it’s perfect as it is), in that it would be a pretty different, and fairly philosophic game. I have done some soundtrack work before (not for video games), and though I enjoyed it, I also found it really difficult, because it requires a lot of range, and the evocation of certain emotions that I’m personally not that great at evoking. So it would need to be a game that would allow for a lot of freedom in such areas, likely something that’s a fairly silent game to begin with. I have some friends who soundtrack games, and who have done so on some pretty famous ones, and I’m always super jealous, as it’s something I have always wanted to do, but I’m just not sure I have the game for it, no pun intended – but that’s all part of the inner peace thing – knowing what you can do and what you can’t.
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